.......you like that twat with the scruffy hair

...!!!!!!

I was innocently (muahhaaahhaaa) browsing some RPatz pics, as you do, and I sort of forgot my husband was at home.

I was saving a few, for research purposes ;) completely unaware that Mr Mary was spying on me. Sneaky shitbag! I very nearly shat myself when I realised he was there, watching me in full perve mode.
the following conversation ensued
him....."I've just watched you save all them photos"
me......"Yeah, so".......hmmm witty and grown up reply methinks
him...."All the ones you saved of the twat(!) is of him with his stupid scruffy hair"
me....."It's not scruffy actually, it's his sex hair"
him...."oh ffs, I give up you stupid old tart"

There may have been a few more derogatory comments from Mr Mary about RPatz's hair but It's upsetting me to think about them , so I won't force them on you.

He did have a point though. My fave pics are of him with his sex hair


What can I say, I can't help it. If there are pics of the sexy haired one out there, then I'm powerless to ignore them!

Would you want Edward in real life???

This is the question I was asking myself last night whilst inserting a pessary!!
Fiery fadge, and not in a good way!


Yep, I know. What a time to be thinking of such things, but It happened. It was Mr Marys fault for coming into the bedroom at such a delicate time. Me propped up on my elbows, legs akimbo just about to perform the rather personal task of treating my lady bits. He just stood at the end of the bed and asked
"do you need any help there love?" Hmmm lemme think. NO!!
Followed by the caring statement
"Now go and wash your hands you dirty bitch"

Lovely. It made me think that at times like this I really wouldn't want Edward to be around.
Can you remember how you looked after giving birth for example? Exactly, you really wouldn't want him to see you looking like that.
Then there's the nights out with the girls, and you've drunk more than your own body weight in cheap Vodka, Gin, Cocktails etc.
You then wake up looking like this

The pitfalls of FanFic

Yes, I know It's bloody brilliant stuff, but It's soooooooo bloody addictive It's scary.

I don't know how much I've read over the last couple of weeks but my health and housework are both suffering!

It started innocently enough, eating cereal whilst reading fanFic in front of the laptop, easy enough you'd think, NO! It required far too much hand, to eye co-ordination to manouver the spoon to my already gaping gob and accidents happened. Rice crispies in your bra can be quite uncomfortable, especially when you fail to remove all of the little buggers properly and the odd one or two stay in there all day. I thought I had warts when I got undressed!!!

So the next day I grabbed whatever I could find in the fridge and ended up eating quiche and Twiglets together. Very nice combo btw but not really a balanced meal. I'm full of cold now, and I'm sure the unhealthy eating hasn't helped.

As for the housework. Pfft! I'm normally very houseproud.....I actually earned myself the nickname Monica a few years ago, from friends?!.... Well standards have definately been slipping on that front. I had to make myself move away from the laptop to do some jobs. All the time telling myself that as soon as I'd sorted the washing and cleaned the bathrooms I could read at least two more chapters :) I'm still not up to date on my ironing, and I've already started reading another story!! I'll never learn, I'm in too deep now.
I'll end up like her!!! I bet she's reading the Office, dirty biatch

It's a lemony old world

Mr Stan came in from work on Wednesday as I was finishing getting dinner ready.  He sat down at the table and announced "Mary says you need more panty-ripping".  I spun round and eyed him quizzically. 
"What?"
"She sent you a text saying you need more panty-ripping."  I'd forgotten he'd borrowed my phone for the day - and was frankly very surprised to get it back unscathed with it's Rob screen pic and Never Think ringtone.

I ran upstairs to find it.  Oh come on, you wouldn't walk after a message like that would you?  I looked in my inbox and of course he'd edited to suit himself, what she'd actually put was:

I started reading the office.  How about including some pantie ripping ;o)

Obviously the 'pantie ripping' referred to the FF I'm writing and I was quite relieved it wasn't relationship advice. Hmm, this was interesting though.  The Office had been on my To Do List for a good couple of months now but I didn't seem to have got round to reading it for some reason.  I'd finally got Mary to read 'Clipped Wings & Inked Armour' and now felt responsible for the state she found herself in (I KNEW she'd love Tattward muhahahaa!) so recommended The Office because I knew how everyone raves about the Beautiful Bastard.

Well it only took about one more text before I was convinced and sat down to read it. 

FUCK!  I cannot believe that I had been sitting messing around online for so many weeks with that sat in my faves list without reading it!  Well Mary and I very selflessly devoted yesterday to FanFic author support.  We opened Messenger, I opened The Office and Mary started on Wide Awake.  Every so often one of us would make a comment and the other would reply.  Usually with 'Sssh' it had to be said, but still. 

We did manage to have a conversation as well and that was mainly about the way that FanFic changed everyday life for us.  Let me illustrate my point, I think it should work quite well because I know most of you are also FF fans. 

Ok, completely innocent pic coming up...

So....have another look.  Now, what are you thinking?  'Mmmm delicious'?  or 'Mmmm, Tattward!'?

See?  I do try my hardest to live a relatively normal life and not be too Twitarded away from my computer but the mpre FanFic I read, the more associations there are.  The post came the other morning and there was a card for one of my sons from my Mum. 

"Awww, Ollie, there's something for you here today, looks like it's from Nannie, why don't you open it?"  So he does, and I'm confronted with this:

Now he may or may not have wondered why I was sniggering at his card, if he did he didn't ask me about it, which I guess is just as well.  I'm usually that short of a receptive audience for my Twi-ramblings that the chances are I may just have told him.

Mary and I had this discussion just before we settled down on our FF-fest and agreed that day to day life isn't like it used to be.  Things that didn't even register before now make you require a change of underwear.  So, here's a few more of those items:

Sadly no BB in this pic.  Who needs him though?  The windows and table push my buttons now!

An office stairwell *sigh*

Hello Kitty

Now that reminds me, last night I was watching Twilight and after Rosalie is out in the baseball game Carlisle says to her 'Nice kitty'.  EWWWWWW!  FFS, he's supposed to be her father!  Does he even know what he's saying?!  Oh, and I had to switch it off after that, it was the last straw after I spotted that Edward actually has sweatmarks under his arms in the cafeteria 'What if I'm the bad guy?' scene.  I'll go back to it when I'm in a more forgiving mood, it was obviously not a good time for me to watch it if my eyes managed to wander from his face.

Aww, kitty! ;o)

The double whammy from over at Twilighted - the cupcake tattoo

Piercing studio

Shirt buttons

Oh, and the shirt buttons was a good one, it seems Google images knows me only too well.  I search for images of 'shirt buttons' and it gifts me with this:

Now that's what I call a 'result' Google Images ;o)

The next picture caused great hilarity between Mary and myself when we happened across it so we decided to leave it in.  We were looking for something representative of the lift/elevator sex in The Office, and Mary came up with this gem:

"I've spent all day going up & down in this fucking elevator and the Beautiful Bastard still hasn't got in!"

It still makes me ROFL when I see it!

And apparently a Saturday night watching the X-Factor isn't even an escape anymore.  Guess what Mary and I both thought when we saw Olly Murs performing?  Well, here's a picture clue:

You got it yet?

How about now?
*sigh*  Life will never be the same, I'm sure....

When you find yourself thinking...Edward would never do that....

You know you're in trouble.

It can happen at anytime, just picking up the dirty, wet towels your other half has left on the bathroom floor and you find yourself thinking.....Edward would pick his up!

Then when It falls out of your gob you and you see the reaction on the other halfs face and he then says "who the fuck is Edward" and your natural reaction is not to worry that you said It out loud, but the fact that he's questioning who Edward is!! Some may think It's then a problem, not me of course, nooooooooooooooooooo. All perfectly normal here ;)
Earlier on Stan told me that she'd seen some Edward cake toppers on E bay. After I accidentaly logged onto Ebay, and typed Twilight into the search box (don't you hate it when that happens) I stumbled upon them. And rather splendid they are Any excuse to lick Edward.

The tedium of everyday life then the joy of Twilight

I actually had to Google the word Tedium then just in case I'd made it up....however I hadn't :)

Anyway, I just thought i'd run you through my day yesterday to show you how mundane life really is but it can end in a good way if you treat yourself to a viewing of Twilight at the end of it.

The day started as per usual, a ciggie and a coffee before I can function! Then a quick tidy around picking up the crap that husbands and children think the cleaning fairy miraculosly comes in every night and shifts for them. Then upstairs to beautify (read as make myself look more human) and dress for oh such an exciting day ahead. As I headed for the car my daughter A insisted on bringing her pram which she first had to empty of various little people, naked Barbies and colouring stuff and then had to find the right baby to put in it. This resulted in me standing at the door slowly losing the will to live whilst son J sat in the car moaning he was bored.
We finally got to our little town centre with the pram and correct baby in situ, so off we trundled. The kids were STARVING naturally and A wanted a sausage roll from Greggs. She then had trouble pushing the pram and eating her sausage roll along the cobbled high street. I point blank refused to help push the peppa pig micro pram along the busy high street as it would mean me being doubled over with my rather large arse sticking in the air for all to see. J would rather die than be seen pushing a pram obv, so it was rather slow going to say the least. After then spending 10 minutes for J to choose the most revolting day glo gloves and hat I've ever seen, and had to pay for! We moved onto Boots as A has the most beautiful Renesmee curly hair you've ever seen but costs a small bloody fortune in products to keep looking in tip top condition.A displaying her curls :)








Off to buy myself a scarf and gloves now. A loves shopping and insisted I tried them on so she could see how they looked. J had completely lost the will to live by this time and wandered off on his own to look at clothes there's no way i can afford to buy him, the obv sulks followed grrrr.
Then oh joy of joys we tackled the supermarket. Morrisons on a Saturday morning!
As I left home i'd asked the oldest sprog to empty the bin and make his bed. Of course being 17 years old and the fact that the jobs I'd asked him to do had nowt to do with the X box 360 whatsoever, he forgot. So whilst putting the shopping away and shouting at the same time as tripping over the overflowing bin, all the kids conveniently disappeared to leave me muttering and moaning to myself about how I should have said no and kept my bloody legs closed!!!!
The afternoon continued with the usual washing, cleaning, cooking, shouting some more at the sprogs for making more mess etc.
Then it was my time, Twilight time :) I assumed the prone position on the sofa with snacks and drinks and pressed play. Heaven *sigh* for all of 10 minutes at least anyway. The oldest came in and said "OMG not again you freak" J had pretty much the same reaction and A just said "moooooooooooooom , Edward again?"

They pretty much left me alone then to enjoy the film in peace, with A occasionaly looking up from her colouring to quote several lines or say things like "here comes James" and " what special powers has he/she got"

Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to prove that if there was ever an excuse needed to indulge in a bit of Twilight relaxation, then I think I had one :)

We're normal. Fact!

Well pretty normal compared to some. I just found myself innocently Googling some vampire stuff and found these :
The weirdos......
mmm i used to date a goth guy who fancied himself a bit of a vampyr as it were... and had a bit of a blood fetish...
i must say, it did make things very, very hot... but it was strange in a way how turned on he got when i mentioned i was on my period...
that whole era, the clothes, the way of life, it all screams sex to me...
(heave!)

Anyone else find vampires/blood sucking to be an arousing idea? I was majorly into vampires when I was younger, and I've always thought that vampire-themed sex would be tantalizing. As I've also been interested in IV drugs for a while now, I've also found the idea of being injected by a partner a VERY sexy idea, in a rather vampish way...I suppose I associate IVing and vein-sucking?
I've looked around for good (classy, costume-filled, with real sets) erotica or imagery that is vampire-themed, but I've never been able to find any. Anyone know of any good sites or videos? I'd also love any books along these lines, if such books exist...
oooookaaaaaaaaaaaayy


The Ridiculous.....
Hmmmm not my idea of a sexy vamp!

The proper freaks!!
Then you know you've gone too far ......
A lesbian member of a blood-drinking vampire cult and her lover have been sentenced to life in prison for the sexually-motivated murder of their housemate Yummy!!

The other Cullen men

Lets not forget the other Cullen men. They're worth taking a look at when Edward's not around ;)

Emmet is bloody gorgeous.

PHWOAAARRR!!

The lovely Dr

Then there's jasper. He doesn't really do it for me but i'll put a couple of pics in anyway.

See, WTF is with the hair??? That's not right.

Just appreciate the bod

I know, I know he's sooooooo young but check out the bod on that!
If you cropped his head off you'd never even know!

That's all, just thought i'd share. mainly for Stan ;)

xxx


Hi, Stan here *waves*.  Thank you very much Mary, don't mind if I do ;o).  Actually as I sit typing now the picture has very helpfully moved up enough to cut his head off as you suggest (pauses for another look).

Hmm, I'll be honest with you, it's been a tortuous 12 hours or so for me.  I'm not sure who I've discussed this with before, but I have been a bit of a closet Team sort of Jacob defector from time to time.  Don't get me wrong, I love Edward just as much as always but, you know, every so often I like to get myself a bit of a Jake fix.  Not a problem at all whilst it was just me and my books (not real life, see? ;o)), but enter Taylor Lautner?  Whooooooaaa.  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Now this wasn't too bad after Twilight I mean, he's just a kid playing a character that I happen to like (quite a lot) in the next two books when he's like 6'7" and all buff and beautiful.  I mean, where does this fit in?:

See?  He's like, 16 and he looks like this.  It's all good.

Then, suddenly the first New Moon trailer comes out and WTF???!!!  We have this???!

*Splutter*!  Now this I have a problem with.  It's wroooong.  I look at the pics of him like this, I get all those feelings that you get looking at 'MEN' with bodies like this and then I suddenly remember.  And I get all of these feelings of guilt and wrongness and think 'Noooo, that's someone's son!'.  And I have no idea where I get these 'someone's son' issues from with Taylor, because I know Rob is someone's son ("Hi Mrs P!") and I to be honest I really don't give a fuck, when thinking of all the kinds of dirty I want to get up to with that man, whose loins he sprang from ("Sorry Mrs P, just being honest here, you've got to respect that, right?"), but thinking of Taycob in that way just feels...abusive *shudder*.

And yet recently we've had more pictures released (reproduced here for my own pleasure)

and gradually, I have to say it's getting a bit easier to look at him without feeling like I have to burn my eyes out with red hot pokers afterwards as punishment for the terrible, sinful thoughts I've had (maybe just cold pokers).

Then last night I was blog-hopping and found yet more new pictures.  And guess what??!!  I've finally found one that doesn't make me curl into an anguished ball crying out 'But that's someone's son!'.  I was even brave enough to create a new Taycob folder within my Rob one.  So, is it this one?

Nope, look away, look away, clearly someone's son!

Perhaps then it might be this one?

Nope, that'll just be someone's son at the gym  Fab arms though... NOOOOO, WRONG!

Well then, I guess it must be......

Holy fuck!!!!!  Oh yeah, that's the one!  PHWOAR!!!!

*THUD*

Mummy do you love me or Edward more?

Hmmmmmmmmm how to answer that one?

My 5 yearold daughter asked the question a while ago. needless to say she's now stopped rocking herself and crying ;)

My husband occasionaly lets me get away with calling him Edward....well he wants sex so he has little choice! My oldest son just rolls his eyes and refers to me as a freak, how very rude. And the middle lad inherited my old laptop and was deeply unappreciative of the desktop background and screensavers i'd put on it. Fussy little shit!

Mary x